I know that no one knows about this and they don't even care but I've been dealing with one thing I'm so insecure about, which is myself. I've put up a tough exterior and act like I'm cool with everything but the truth is I'm not. I'm so insecure about myself that I feel the need of people to verify whatever I'm doing so that I know I'm actually doing something good and I'm useful. It's not like I need attention, I just want to know if I'm doing a good job or not. Because I've always feel that I'm not good enough! I'm so insecure that whenever I do things and I see the slightest facial expression on that person's face, I won't be able to sleep at night thinking to myself that the person doesn't like whatever I've done. So that is why I portray myself as someone who is carefree, I wear my arrogant and cocky face everyday and been telling people I'm okay because I don't want them to know I'm having any issues. When the fact is I've been struggling to make myself feel useful for the society.
I've been dealing with it ever since I was in school. When I was five, I wen to this Islamic Kindergarten in Rembau. There, I was aided through out the schooling session. Which mean, the teacher needs to assist me in whatever I was doing even to go to the toilet and what not. I don't know and I can't remember why I stopped halfway but I didn't finished my kindergarten session. It lasted for less than six months and when I was six years old, I didn't go to school. So I didn't to take this graduation like picture like most of my friend did and I felt a little left out because I didn't have that picture that shows you went to school.
When I was seven, I went to a Chinese primary school in SRJK (C) Chung Hwa, Jalan Damai. I was placed in the last class from standard 1 till standard 3. I didn't know what I was doing, I got scolded by teachers everyday. Yes I felt stupid and useless because I couldn't do anything right that time. My sister was in the same school, she was doing okay. It makes me wonder why can't I do things just like how my sister did? But I never really talked to my parents about any of this because I think it is just me.
When I was ten, I moved to Negeri Sembilan and I went to SK Astana Raja. I was placed in the lower class yet again but somehow I managed to do well I supposed? So when I was eleven, I got transferred to the a better class. I was doing okay as well and I joined the group singing and choral speaking because I want to see if I'm capable of achieving great things. During that time, our group singing and choral speaking team was doing great and we got to go state level and national. So during that time, I felt like I can actually do great things in life. But that feeling was cut short, I was expected to get 5A's for my UPSR when I was twelve. The teachers even listed out my name as one of the students that they think can score 5A's but I didn't get it. You know how it felt like to be twelve and thinking that you've let so many people down?
Things just went downhill from there, it's like I can only taste victory once every 12 years? Throughout my highscool years, I didn't do well in my studies. I didn't do well in sports even I played some sports. So I don't really know what can I do with my life. During that time also, I found my passion in art and especially fashion. But in school, your future was in the hands of your teachers. They gave me choices of the things I didn't even like. They forced me to take the classes that they think I should take. I don't want to be a scientist or learn science. I want to take art but the mindset here is, if you take art you are stupid. So yeah, I tortured myself learning all this biology, add math, chemistry just to pass my exams. But I didn't do well, yet again I felt like a complete idiot who is useless.
Same goes with my Diploma, I had to take a course I didn't like. Forced myself to learn to pass the exams and get the Diploma. Felt stupid and unworthy throughout the years. Degree I took the course that I think I could do better, Thank God I did quite well and I'm happy because it was my choice and no one expect anything from it. Yes I was 24 and things started to be in place again after 12 long years. After I graduated, I got a good job with a good pay for a fresh graduate. I was so proud of myself, I got promoted in just 2 months of working and also got a raise. I was getting paid really high for a fresh graduate I tell you and I was living my life. I got to buy a car and got to treat my mom a little something. But again, it was cut short. Had a new boss who hated me for whatever reason, She made me felt like I wasn't capable of doing the job just because I speak up about how she been treating other staff. I had to quite the job because I was having high blood pressure and hypertension due to emotional abuse I've experienced. I went for another job with a famous tailor in Malaysia. I was mentally tortured, I was told to clean the store instead of doing what I was agreed to do (it's not like I'm complaining but you could've told me first), I wasn't getting paid well and on time. I have to move to another company which was also a well-known company. The politics in the workplace was too much that I feel like I don't belong there. I felt like I was too weak to handle stuff like that, I wasn't able to speak up because of what I've experience at my workplace before. So I don't know what to do, I had to move again.
Up to this time, there's a lot of things that I've been going through and each time, it made me feels like I'm not good enough. Should I wait till I'm 36 before I can taste another sweetness in life? Will I ever see 36?
P/S: I feel a bit better that I've open up about myself. I hope other people out there can also open up about yourself because people will never know what you've been through and they might not know how to act around you. They might mistaken you for something you're not, so let the world see the real you and with God's will, you'll be able to deal with your insecurities.