I'm not a complete narcissist so I don't really love myself completely. There are things that I really hate about myself. Actually to list out 5 things are just like 0.0001% of the things that I hate myself because I hate myself in general and I think it'll be easier to write this list than to come out with 5 things I love about myself. But these 5 are like major things that I hate about me.
1) My Brains are always 10 steps behind my actions.
(Dear God, are my brains still under warranty?)
I started to think that my brains are really broken! like I've been saying things I'm not supposed to say and been doing things I'm not supposed to do. My brains only realized it after it has been done or said. Been hurting lots of people left and right lately! Most importantly, I've been hurting myself a lot too. Or is it because of my medical condition? Damn really need to get my brains check!
2) I Can't Say No!
( Can you help me with...)
I wish I look this good when saying no to people but the thing is I'm no Beyonce. I can't simply wave my index finger left and right when people ask me to do something I don't feel like doing. I can't even say no to work even though I have tonnes of work that I haven't started yet and they keep on coming because I don't know how to say no. I know why it is hard for me to say no, usually it is hard for people to interact or communicate with me. So whenever there are people who communicate with me, I don't want to shush them up by saying no because I want them to stay.
3) I Don't Share My True Feelings
(Should I be happy looking at all these mess? Should I panic? Which emotion should I show to people?)
Obviously I have feelings but this can be relate back why it is hard for me to say no. I don't want people to be overwhelmed with what I'm feeling inside. Usually I'll have 3 different feelings at the same time so I don't which one to express and I ended up with a poker face or my face is showing a different emotion from what I'm feeling inside. For example, my face will show that I hate the floral pants that you chose to wear with that ruffle stripes top but deep inside I really like it (separately). The word I would like to use here is compromise. I usually compromised my feelings so that people will stick around longer.
4) Overthinking
(I'm destroyed beyond repair!)
Actually I'm not sure about this one. It's either I'm overthinking or I don't think at all. But I do have the tendency to overthink things that I decided to do something I'm not supposed to. Like recently, I was doing all my analysis so I was thinking should I share this date with my colleagues? My brains said 'yeah why not, at least people will benefit from it' while I don't know which part of me said 'don't share it with your colleagues because they'll say that you're doing this for attention and want people to think that you're doing the extra thing so that the bosses will notice you'. Eventually my boss asked me whether I've been doing any work at all, so I showed her all the data that I've been collecting and she said 'why didn't you share with everyone else? the team would have benefit so much from this data'. I just hate my life at that time.
5) Procrastinate Like a Pro!
(This is how Prince Procrastinate walk me away from my work)
Like seriously, I've trying so many method to like plan out my whole life but nothing seems to be working. I've tried to schedule my daily task but it need lots of commitment which I'm having problem with. I think mainly because I'm that type of person who live life unplanned. Well I just figured it out now that as an adult, you really need to plan out your life because there is not cushion for you anymore if one day you messed up your life. Living an unplanned life is for kids because they still have parents that support them and help them decide. But as an adult, you are responsible for your own actions so you do the math. What I need to do now is really committed to living a well planned life. Should I start now? Don't encourage me to procrastinate will you?
P/S: I'm about to be killed by my boss next! I'm certain.