I rarely cry and if I did, it will be about something major like death. But I do cry watching cat videos, sad movies and some videos of unfortunate people which to me, that is a different kind of crying because that is triggered by something I'm willingly let myself into. However in general, I don't really cry especially in the presence of other people around me. This month is hell for me and for the first time since my father's death, I cried so hard while I was on the phone. It was the first I ever cried while talking on the phone.
I felt like my spirit was broken and my passion runs dry and there's nothing I could do but cry. This is not my first time going through a breakdown and usually it happens during end of the year. The final couple of months each year is where I reflected back on my goals and see how much I've done and sadly for me, I've achieved so little from my yearly goals and that is why I'm so frustrated with myself. My demon always have the last laughed every year because he knew from the start that I'm not gonna do great with my life.
I don't know but sometimes I feel like I'm giving up on myself but there's also a part of me that tells me that I can do this. I just need the right support system which is myself! I need to build that confidence and I need to be my number one supporter. But that is the challenge because my head keeps telling me I'm not good enough but my heart know that I am. This is a constant battle for me between my head and my heart. My heart always want to speak for himself but my head wouldn't let me. So this blog is where my heart gets to tell his part of the story.
Yes it has been hell for me and I know I've hurt some people along the way and I hurt myself the most. I'm hoping that one day my head and my heart be in sync and maybe I can finally live a better life. Why must these two be fighting against each other?
P/S: A new template for week in review post coming next week!